For a long time, I had a type: tall, charming, and just a bit detached. It was the kind of man who would love you on a Friday and put his guard up on Saturday. The kind of man for whom I like you was something said instead of something shown. They don’t want you, but they don’t want to let you go. The type of relationship that makes you sugarcoat, rationalize and, yes, sometimes fictionalize to believe that enough time invested will shift the pendulum and result in happily-ever-after. Ring a bell?
The ups and downs of an unpredictable relationship — and, more so, an unpredictable partner — can be infuriating, irritating, and it plagues levelheaded males and females of all races and economic backgrounds. We like to think that we’re fairly rational and sensible when choosing a partner; that consistency, companionship, and commitment are leading our decision-making. But during the dance of dating and attraction, our brain doesn’t always follow suit, and smart neurons don’t always make smart choices.
The discrepancy between what we say we want and what we actually do is a mystery not just to us but to psychologists and researchers alike. Ask a psychoanalyst why you keep falling for the “wrong” one, and he will draw it back to an unconscious desire for suffering — something that stems from childhood and harboring painful experiences. But ask a neuroscientist, and he will offer considerable evidence that nature is the dubious culprit; that the constant attraction to inconstant love is rooted deep in the brain — more specifically, the reward circuitry of the brain.
But for a situation that can be so maddening and seemingly crippling at times, the question begs: How could chasing after the unpredictable be the least bit rewarding for the brain? Why do we continue to fall for the ones that, ultimately, aren’t going to fall for us? Science is beginning to parse the neural systems, chemical messengers, and inner workings of the brain in different romantic states to tackle these questions and discover what stems behind the scenes from such patterns.
To start, let’s talk about love. Anyone who has ever fallen in love knows the feeling — sleeplessness, loss of appetite, euphoria, and the willingness to take risks that you wouldn’t normally consider. It’s an experienced high not unlike the effect of narcotics, and it’s mighty addictive. Coincidently, people in the early throes of love have brain activity that matches the brain activity of a drug addict in need of a fix. It’s involuntary. The brain’s fear-alert system — the amygdala — and our judgment and reasoning system — the anterior cingulate cortex and prefrontal cortex — are nearly muted while the neurotransmitter dopamine floods the brain’s pleasure and reward centers. What’s more, brain circuits associated with states of obsession, mania, and recklessness are also activated. Likewise, amphetamines, cocaine, and opiates such as heroin, morphine, and OxyContin trigger these same circuits. Is love synonymous with addiction?
But here’s something else: Falling in love isn’t an emotion, as we would assume. Instead, it intensifies or decreases our emotions. It functions as a motivational system that is turned on and off by neurotransmitters released in the brain such as dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine — a combination that results in pleasurable feelings. When we’re overwhelmed with pleasure, a rush of dopamine is flooding our receptors, which plays a key role in how we experience rewards. The bottom line: We’re experiencing a high.
When that rush of dopamine is released and the reward circuit of the brain is triggered, the brain fires a message to the conscious mind, saying, “Pay attention to what’s happening and start craving this experience, because it’s important.” And therein lies the reason we keep returning to an unpredictable lover and relationship.
Think about it: You’re being strung along, but then there’s a kiss, a moment of cuddling, sex, or even just a mere touch that’s momentarily satisfying. Your brain recognizes it as a reward and dopamine is replenished — the high is back. Likewise, hope and trust are re-established; anxiety, skepticism, and better judgment are suppressed. To add another element, researchers suggest that we don’t fully realize what our brains are doing to us, because the brain will make decisions about what we prefer before we’re consciously aware of what’s going on.
The chase of unpredictable love and longing for the unattainable function in the same way that gambling does. In fact, it is gambling. When you are unsure whether you will be rewarded in a situation, you keep playing until you win. It’s the unexpected win that keeps hope in overdrive. To understand the particular conditions that cause dopamine release, psychology professor Dr. David Zald and his colleagues at Vanderbilt University used a combination of techniques in different scenarios to measure the release of dopamine with unpredictable and predictable rewards.
Zald and his team used positron emission tomography (PET) to scan brain activity in volunteers under three different scenarios. In the first, the subjects selected one of four cards and knew a monetary reward of $1 was possible, but they were unaware of when it would occur. During the second scenario, subjects knew they would receive a reward with every fourth card they selected. Under the third, subjects chose cards but did not receive or expect any rewards.
