Love Me, Maybe: The Neuroscience of Unpredictable Love

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The findings of the study, published in the Journal of Neuroscience, established unpredictability as a potent force. During the first scenario, when the outcome was unpredictable, the subjects had an increase in dopamine in one part of the brain while showing a decrease in neighboring regions. In contrast, a reward received under the predictable second scenario didn’t result in either significant increases or decreases in dopamine.

“It’s probably not just the receipt of money,” Zald explains, “but the conditions under which it occurs which make a difference.” When we receive a reward and it’s unexpected, the dopamine release is greater, resulting in a more pleasurable experience than if we were to receive a reward that was anticipated. This helps explain the paradox of being unhappy with a partner because they’re unreliable but continuing to go back to them time and time again.

In behavioral terms, it’s explained as partial reinforcement. When you’re rewarded sometimes, but not all the time, you learn to see that reward as valuable. Once you know that you’ll be rewarded consistently, you learn a behavior quickly, but you become lazy to act. Lab rats that are rewarded every time they push a lever eventually slow their behavior because they learn that the next time they want a reward, it will be waiting for them. However, if they don’t know when to expect the next reward, they’ll keep pushing that lever endlessly, in hopes that their next press will strike the jackpot.

And so it comes to pass, if you are playing the cat-and-mouse game with someone who is unpredictable, you are the lab rat with the lever. You might not like your partner’s capricious behavior, but your brain’s reward circuitry is recognizing the hit-and-miss moments of pleasure and feeding you information that can conflict with your better judgment. It’s not a weakness; it’s just your brain addicted to the hidden pleasure of the unpredictable.

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At the end of the day, it’s good to have somebody, but finding that somebody is another story. When what you want is a long-lasting relationship, the constant unpredictability of a flighty partner may keep you wanting more with its addictive highs, but it isn’t going to lead to more. Ultimately, it’s what prevents true intimacy from developing.

Healthy relationships shouldn’t be constantly unpredictable, but they should be complemented by unpredictable moments of thoughtfulness. It’s letting the highs of a relationship come from the occasional dinner surprise and acts of chivalry, not the occasional phone call that leaves you rationalizing. It’s not whether someone loves you; it’s how he treats you that counts. So let’s stop prettifying the ugly.

We enter relationships knowing roughly as much about our mate as we do about mind-reading. Our reward circuitry may try to lead the way and lead us astray, but that’s not synonymous with brainwashing. What we do have is the ability to recognize what’s good for us, to control our own behavior, and to shy away from unhealthy impulses. After all, it’s something we do every day.

Think of the times you ordered the salad instead of the fries. What’s more, as we age and collect experiences of happiness and trust, rejection and disappointment, the more we allow our frontal brain region, with its logic and reason, to lead the way. The reward becomes less about what’s unpredictable, and more about the lasting bond.

The point is this: The drive to fall in love will always be hovering in the background. Being in love, however, is an incredibly elusive thing that requires more than the sporadic, euphoric rush. As a relationship progresses and the process unfolds, the brain needs less of the pleasure chemicals to spark the reward circuitry. It evolves into a constant emotional bond that’s immeasurable to inconstant love.

We may not strike gold on the first, second, or even the seventeenth attempt — and that’s OK, because somewhere between time and experience, devastation, and despair, we figure things out. After all, even smart kids stick their fingers in electrical sockets.

This article is updated from its initial publication in Brain World Magazine’s print edition.

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